All her unspoken chaos .. بيدها تعبر
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A newborn sun was nearly cracking an old dawn as I felt the sudden heat of sunlight. And I could tell that the traffic was starting to boil too and I still haven’t got home yet. I’ve always loved long rides but this one seemed tiringly infinite.
After few hours later of pit stops and roaming thoughts, the driver said that we were finally arrived. And while I was grasping that frozen doorknob, I felt a little heartbroken by the sound of creaking which made me getting on a train of unrecovered sweet memories. The scent was divine as always but no more warmth was filling up around... Only an unbreathing cold emptiness; The woman who has taught me how to see the world was gone.
I was born with the most beautiful eyes I’ve been told, but never got the chance to see them. I was raised in darkness and undefinition, grown up between getting harmed and lost, cursed by pity and merciless. Yet I was blessed with a fabulous mother who saved me from being stranded in my solitude. She showed me how to create my own universe instead of waiting for someone else to describe it for me. I learnt to use my strong senses I’ve been gifted with to draw at last my very own painting making sure not to miss a shape, a color or a shade. I am glad I made my mother proud of who I become.  And I know from the bottom of my heart she’d passed away with a relieved and peaceful soul completely aware that her only daughter has beaten her blindness and got to see what others couldn’t ever see.






I’ve been in these sheets for many days and nights, kidnapped inside this room watching the demons dancing with the walls. My eyes can no more stand the sunlight. This darkness is flowing through my spirit. You know how it feels to be drowning beneath a sea of grief for way too long? I had to learn how to breathe underwater so no one sees my blue gloom. No pity is needed nor mercy is sought. I am aware that being felt or understood would not heal this illness or gather these pieces to make them a whole again.
The cure‘s within my grasp. From accepting the pain and welcoming the fail blows the brightest strength. And each dusky tunnel ends up with a burning light just like after every biting winter comes a blooming spring.
I am tired of being the sinking boat that blames the monstrous storm and the giant waves. I am more than just a poor lame miserable. I’ve survived the worst I’ve been put through hell and I can guide my paths to Heavens one more time. The thing about Happiness is that it rises above any physical matter… It’s about realizing that our lives and the universe are so much bigger than us, they cannot be controlled or attached to some particular manners. With every Up and Down, life goes on and on, our purpose here is to find inner peace by shaping ourselves to fit in all its many obscured and ablaze folds.








The warm sunshine disturbed her sound sleep so she sighed regretting not keeping the curtains drawn the night before. To her weekends had nothing exciting but an ironic reminder of how lonely she was.
She genuinely loved her work, because it had always been her little company, it was a place where she could share the laughs, hugs and tenderness so she would gracefully let go all of her frustrating hidden pains. It was a little corner of heaven filled with childhood spirit where she could find all the joy she was missing in such a dramatic infertile marriage.
It was overwhelmingly tough to be surrounded by sweet angles believing in a stubbornly way that her uterus would never become generous to offer her a sip of motherhood. She quieted crying when she had realized that no matter how hard she tried or how many tears she shed this bitter fate would never be rewritten.
And yet she couldn’t give birth, she definitely could give life to an endless number of helpless newborn babies who’d been given up, of young kids who’d been thrown away so that their mommy would climb the greatest summits.
She carried a heavy golden heart inside her. She’d never got tired of spreading love; taking care and making sacrifices… That was probably the reason why she looked older than she actually was. She’d been watering those little seeds to sprout with her own youth, devotion and selfless giving.
She had a confusing undefined figure, a charming smile with sad looking eyes. You just couldn’t tell how was she really feeling? Maybe her feelings were disarrayed too of being unsatisfied and being glad. 
Glad of the way she was born as An  U n m o t h e r   M a m a !





I felt her tender fingertips pressing my numb body and I knew she was willing to clean my dirt... again. I hate mornings! They only mean one damn thing to me: my prayers of last night couldn’t reach the stars, and my days refuse to end.
It’s ironic how life could change! I’ve spent ages running after opportunities to chase eternity, until I fell inside an empty hole where all I can do is lying down in an uncomfortable bed trying hopelessly to rest my awful fragile body.
To turn from a successful independent man who had reached extraordinary achievements, a man who used to be the strength for his daughter, the perfect example for his sons and the other half of his wife…Into an absolutely nothing is a tragic joke!
I hate how useless I became! I hate when I struggle to remember the name of my only grandchild. I hate when I can give my own sons nothing but bills for my medicines. I hate how every rose I gave my wife throughout my colorful days became now rotten that she has to clean up every morning.
My pride has distorted once I stared at my reflecting image knowing that I am nothing but a wrinkled pathetic man who’s forever stuck in the need of others.
Every night, I spit on my embarrassing hands for shaking all the time, my legs for being too weak to carry my spine. I even insult myself to let that’s called Mother Nature above get rid of me… Get rid of such a great man, or so I thought!



Cold? I’ve been living homeless in the cold long long time ago until I no longer feel the cold, hunger or thirst, the fear has stolen me!

How terrible is it to be born an innocent child with unborn dreams who were already fated to death, to grow up in rubbles and ashes, to be raised in war’s grace. Like a lonely shore I do feel, keeps slowly on crumbling facing an angry huge ocean. I have no father to have my back, nor a friend to keep my secrets. Only a memory of loud screams and bloody bodies, and a thin pale skin with tens of scars remaining how terrify was yesterday!
 A part of me dies everytime I see my mother eyes; this little combination of darkness that torment has left in them and a certain brightness of hope that her missing son will someday come back home… Home, Where is home?

Today feels a little “peaceful” though. At least I woke up to a little sunshine and a bird singing instead of bombs exploding in these dark skies; I wonder what would bring a beautiful creature to such a disastrous land? Maybe I should just set my mind free as the wind blows and live in the moment. This blessing that Lord sent to a surviving orphan is surely something I shall not miss. Here I am again smiling at what’s beyond the horizon, praying for these bleeding wounds to heal, for these rivers of melancholy to dry, and for this War to come to an end.





It was like a dream, a beautiful one!
He was in front of me, with that charming gaze holding my soft hands like he used to call them. I still remember how nervous he was that night which gave me a false impression especially with such a fancy romantic dinner he had managed ..
After hours of an endless conversation -that I now wish if it only would last forever- he said it was late and he should drive me home. I felt a little disappointed. I hoped or maybe even expected that he would take the step I’ve ever wanted him to take.. I lately realized how I‘ve been pitifully obsessed with the silly Ring thing..
On our way home, I was the whole time faking a smile thanking My Man for the unforgettable night while I’ve actually been swallowing the anger and despair inside my chest, waiting to get home so I could finally sob until my pillow gets soaking wet ..I got out of the car, suddenly I heard him calling out my name. I turned around with a little smile on my face, believing that the most awaited moment has lastly come. But in fact he was only holding a STUPID TEDDY BEAR saying that… that beautiful night hasn’t ended yet.
I remember how his pure joyful good-looking face teased me, so all what I could do then was Yelling: SERIOUSLY? I took it and threw it away!
 At that very damned instant, everything happened too fast right after: When he was trying to get back that teddy bear, an unexpected car showed up from nowhere and hit my Man… deadly! 
Now and as two years ago, I am sitting next to that green grave, holding my Teddy bear with My Soft Hands re-checking again a shining ring that’s placed inside its belly, dreaming tragically of him with his warm tone that I've always loved saying what I didn’t let it be said. “Will You Marry Me, Mary? “ 





There’s always something wrong with me. I never felt that I fit this world or that anything around me is going right. And that feeling grows whenever I take a look into the Golden Decade that everything about it was glorious.. The 70S!

How I wish I could experience that so seventy Life. When smart technology hasn’t stolen the beauty of preciousness yet, when we still appreciate sunsets and breakfast dates, when we save money to buy a vinyl instead of just using Spotify. Even Fashion those days was more elegant, very attractive with its simplicity and it had nothing of the meaningless plastic of nowadays.
The priceless satisfaction I would get from taking a long journey driving my Datsun 240Z to attend a live concert of my favorite band whether it was Pink Floyd’s,  Queen’s or even The Beatles is what I’m looking for in an age of auto-tuned songs with pointless lyrics.

Yes! I want to be in that time when papers were more familiar than lightly screens. A time when all what you have to do in a bus is to read few pages of a Carl SAGAN book until you arrive to your station and not to keep refreshing your FB feed to read some useless stupid rumors.







Poor him ! His biggest sin was giving an
unworthy person the purest love. Now he has to fill the void she left in him with chaos and scars.
He felt more ashamed that he couldn’t be able enough to warm her cold heart or to tend to the satisfaction she needed.  He couldn’t stop thinking and wondering why wouldn’t she just be convinced with his love. Why did she have to be that starving just like a black hole that’s gobbling everything up? Now all what he became is a helpless dust fading in the vacuum.
He’s been told that this woman was a danger, a poison and a weapon. But he enjoyed the adventure; he loved the taste of being tortured. He ignored his conciseness and got lost in her seducing illusions until he got caught inside a cage with broken wings. He felt like his mind has blown by dissimilar thoughts and his heart has bled rivers by hundred knives.
 YET HE STILL HAS NO REGRETS.


  

   I was just a child with big dreams and wild imagination. I was spending hours playing with my shabby doll. She was my only company so I named her SOULMA (Comes from Soul mate). I lived in solitude, my mom had to work all day and sometimes she stayed out until morning. I sort of hated my life.

   I was fourteen when my life has ruined. When mom took my childhood away and killed my sweet innocent dreams. Yes! I was forced to get married to a 30 years old man.  An irresponsible heartless man who made me live through hell. He didn’t just deprive me from my basic needs, but he also hit, insulted and raped me several times. I once asked mom if I can go back home but she said no. So I kept surviving my tragedy.  After months of my terrible marriage, my husband lost his job as we lost our home too. We spent some endless cold nights at the church until finally my husband found a job and we moved to another town.

   Through all these tough years, there were only two things that I have never lost or given up:  My faith in God and my education. I kept fighting for my dreams; nothing could ever stop me even my awful pregnancy. I finally graduated from high school at the age of eighteen with my baby girl around my arms. It was my first time I felt that proud.


   Today, I become truthfully a mature and strong woman. I am now the voice of hundred underage marriage victims. My dream came true, and I became an advocate whose duty is to protect those little innocent children from adult abusing. And let the wide world know what childhood really means.
Inspired by a true story

Photographer: Saber TAYEBIOUI 
Athlete (MERMAID): Khadija CHIKAR



He knew she was the one as she knew as well !

She was the child he's been looking for years. Her recklessness brought the pleasure he’s been missing. And he was the hero she needed the most, a savior to set her free from all the imperfections she used to hide.

They found each other in misery and hopelessness. They fell in love so deep until they rose above all of their darkest downs. He was stuck in his past for a long time, unable to go forward.. But then he looked into her bright burning eyes, he saw the future he ever dreamt about. He held her hand tightly and asked her to never let him go whey deafeat the griefs , to be each other’s shelter when the storms come out, to welcome the peace that sunshine brings at the crack of dawn. She giggled softley and told him to be an arm to lean on if she falls apart, to love her flaws when she starts to hate herself. 
They’re very glad to finally have each other. A strong chemistry keeps them getting closer and closer no matter how many paradoxical differences they got within themselves. Their love story sounds like a fairy tale that could be only believed by children, where the promises made are kept forever and ever.



Photograph by : ISMAIL LHABIB ( FROM PARIS WITH LOVE © 2018 )





It was never about being compared to men, or even to another woman. You were born to be you; and to never pretend someone you’re not for the sake of others.
A woman is made of love and sweetness, that’s why looking after babies is her duty. She has to be the first one to be awakened and the last one to fall asleep; she keeps herself focused on the “housekeeping” misery until she forgets about her sleepy mind. She’s so clueless about how to explode her creativity or to show her blessed gifts.
Most of Women don’t read. They don’t know about what females had achieved in history. How they held men's hands to take all together Tomorrow’s journey.

Ladies should stop worrying only about their half role, and think more reflectively. 
After all growing admiration and wonderment in a kid's soul is the most priceless, noble and powerful offer that could have ever given.



No matter how many miles my feet have walked or how beautiful were the places my eyes have seen . There's always a part of me that never leaves HOME . This little part that turned into frozen bones is still missing the warmness that gives me the feeling of belonging .
It's mysterious how the joy of discovering the world would never fill the holes in my soul I got when  I left home . I've tried hundred meals of hundred kitchens started from the Russian to the Korean but none of them tasted like Mama's tasty handmade . I've been in many wonderful towns too and nothing of the amazement I've seen there replaced the peace I had in the small talks I used to have with Mum that turn often into an endless conversation as we take the first swipe of coffee .

Oh God ! I miss My Mom's softy hands and My Daddy's beautiful laughter . I miss how I spend my Saturday nights with my sister watching silly movies and trying not to laugh out loud . I miss the way my brother mocks me that I actually don't mind . 
Everything about Home is peaceful blessed with love and grace.
 

   Everyone gets amazed whenever she walks around, falls for her stunning smile and unbreakable faith.  But do they have any idea how she spends her sleepless nights ? 
That women who cries oceans of tears bleeds rivers of soreness. She has nothing to do with the strength she pretends as long as she still can hear the tragic melodies that her heartbeats play, and still has these scars all over her attractive dead body .

    She sits in a corner with her skinny arms wrapped around her knees just like the night before, counting the breakdowns she's been getting lately . She's sick of being punished for the crimes she commits whether for giving the purest love so cold fake feelings are all what she gets in return, or for being loyal to unworthy ones who break all the promises they make . 

   As she lies down she places her pale hands on her chest and starts praying to God to stop her fragile soul from crumbling until she finally could fall asleep with a little smile on her lips dreaming of better day . A day when she will be treated with all the kindness , love and care she ever needed.


You feel like a lost bird in the ordinary, looks exactly like the other. I know you're tired of being a COPY because the world has already killed your unique creativity. The limits has darkened your brightest skills too. You end up stranded in false hopes and unwanted choices. This old sick voice in your head keeps saying that you're doing the wrong thing whenever you get into a new adventure trying to create your OWN universe. It keeps telling you how impossible your dreams are , till you don't even dare to dream.

 All the youth blessings fade away with every disappointment you get. The roses you've been watering with hope and passion are now rotten. So you find yourself forced to be someone you're not by giving up on your faith, just because you can no more handle these society bullets that are covering under the name of FATE.


At this moment you're sitting alone. Breathing heavily after years of struggle. Bleeding like a surviving soldier who lost in a war. Your only desire in this meaningless life is to set your mind free from this unspeakable silly mess and to live in peace.. The peace you'll never find .






I've been hesitated to write about her, but the love I carried for her pushed me to hold my pen and fill up this blank dusty paper with all the words I've quietly swallowed .. Today, I chose to write about the most heart-breaking loss in my life hoping that it would ease my pain .
 

  I've been told that time will heal what's broken, but hell no ! The bitterness's still running through my veins. I still miss her. How can I ever forget My guardian angel? Her beauty ,her sweet funny jokes and generous hands had made everyone love her once they got in touch with her . So what else can I say but she was such a joy to be around . 
She'd been patiently fighting against her disease for six years. She'd always had faith in God . Kept strongly holding on for Life, I don't remember her saying anything about giving up not even for once as she kept fighting until her last breath.

Why did she have to die that early ? was a question that till this day I can not find an answer for, It's like I was arguing with God's will. Regardless of the ache that her death caused, I finally knew how mortal life is . In the end , what really matters is the unforgettable memories she left behind and what she had achieved in her life as a Mother , daughter ,wife ,sister and teacher  .. And most of all how she made me truthfully proud of being her Little sister who learnt a lot from her . 


May Allah have mercy upon your soul Sweetheart.



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‎بيـــدها تــــعـــبر All her unspoken chaos‎

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Maryem Lachgar

I am a mute Outsider who was born in the wrong planet , So I made my pen to be my voice. The voice that whispers to souls not to ears.

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